I don't know how to explain this. I don't want anyone to take this the wrong way. I'm not conceited, I'm not self-righteous, I am a nice girl. But I feel like I was made for great things.
I was thinking tonight- I want to go somewhere. I want to travel across the US, I want to travel across the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm wasting time. Not in the literal sense... like I'm sitting here typing this and wasting time... but more like I'm going to school full time, going to work full time and burning myself out FOR WHAT? I'm not sure what I want to do in life, what I need to do, and what kind of progress am I making right now? I want to pay off this effing debt, get myself out of this license/car mess, and go places. I want to network- I want to meet all kinds of people. I want to be a great person that people meet and can't forget. I feel like people my age are getting this idea of marriage pushed on them until they just succumb. Yeah, I know tons of people who have successful marriages and happy lives and children, but I also know tons who would have been much better off had they not gotten married.
I just feel like people, especially at church, think that marriage is the next step. You're born, you have a few years to play with Mom, or babysitter (yeah...don't get me started), you start school. Ahh, school- a wonderful 13-year journey (14 if you count Pre-Kindergarten) that takes you through awkward phases of inadequacy, teaches you about hierarchy, and gives you self-esteem comparable to the price of your brand-name clothing. GREAT!
Then you graduate. You get tons of gift cards, checks, money for towels and books and plane tickets and gas and toilet paper and groceries, and sometimes even for luxuries like going to the movies. Its off to college you go! Why? Because that's the next step, dummy. You want to take a year off?! You're lazy. You won't ever go back. No one ever does. What are you going to do for a year that is going to amount to anything? Just go to college.
This is where the pressure REALLY starts, just in case trying to get straight-As in high school so you can get into a decent college wasn't enough. YOU HAVE TO GO STRAIGHT TO COLLEGE. You can't think about what you want to do, just get in there and take care of those generals... there will be plenty of time to think about what you want to do later, even if the college you choose doesn't have the major you want later on down the road.
Why can't I do what I want? Why can't I do that from the start? I think that's the dumbest part of it. I should be able to do whatever I want. I mean, as long as its "good," why can't I???!!! What gives you the right to look down on me for not going to college?! You might have a PhD in Physics- I DON'T GIVE A DAMN- but what does that really amount to? What have you really done with your life? And yeah, I can't judge you, maybe you really enjoy Physics and that just made your entire life to spend all that time studying, but man, don't you want to do something that means more than studying someone else's books?!
Don't you want to experience things for yourself? Don't you want to travel? Don't you want to take this time you have before you settle down and add a person to your life- and then KIDS on top of that?!
Which brings me to my next point- should I even get married? What is the point? The only good that comes from marriage is sometimes I'll feel security. I just don't know
To Be Continued...
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3 comments:
Whew ok....this is going to be my random thoughts without any structure or order.
I'm sorry but unless you go on a mission or do something as drastic as a mission, marriage IS the next big step in your life. I think marriage is pressured a little strongly by Provo society but I think it should be taken into account that marriage is still the next step in your life, and it should be considered. Also, the people pressuring us about it are OLDER, SMARTER and WISER than us. I know we are all in college and are in our early 20s and we know SO MUCH at our age that we don't need the help or advice of people twice our age OR three times our age. Old people are dumb right? No, they know what they are talking about. They have a perspective we are not even close to having.
And the last bit on marriage- it is sad you only see "security" coming from marriage. If that is the only positive thing you see coming from marriage, then maybe you shouldn't get married. Your husband isn't going to feel very secure with you if he knows the only reason y'all are married is because you want to feel secure --sometimes. I don't know if you feel that way because of your exposure to poor marriages or if you are just confused about marriage, but marriage is one of the most beautiful things in life. To know you are loved by someone and to have ultimate trust in someone would be amazing. How barren would people's lives be without marriage? How sad and depressing would that be? I know you think marriage is stupid now, b/c you are in the dating stage of life but just b/c dating is retarded sometimes, doesn't mean marriage is anything like that. I can't imagine how lonely and sad my parents' lives would be without each other. I mean our friendship and Morgan and Kendal and all our experiences together and fun times together come from my parent's marriage. How can you possibly think marriage is so ill-fitted for you? So void of happiness? benefiting only your security?
You are destined for amazing things in life Jessica. But I don't think you'll ever achieve them or really reach your potential without finding the person that helps you reach your destiny. That's my 2 cents. Take it for what it's worth.
I agree with Josh. As I was reading your post, I was thinking "yeah! you're right! Why do we need to get married" but as I started thinking about it...I started looking at my parents lives. My parents were both married before and their first marriages sucked. They were hell. I can't imagine wanting to get back into it having had those experiences...but I see now how beautiful the bond between them is. I don't know what kind of life they would have if they hadn't have found each other. I think they both would have become bitter, depressed, and lonely. I sure as heck don't want to live my life that way. Although...there does seem to be a lot of pressure on us now that we should get married and start a family...and I'm not saying I disagree with that...but you shouldn't rush it. Its not so important to get married that you just marry the first person willing to marry you. Its an important decision that takes considerable thought and a lot of time. Well, thats what I think. Jessica...you're an amazing person and I'm SURE that you're going to do great things in this life and I believe that you'll find someone out there that is just PERFECT for you...just give it some time. It will all fall into place. Amen, the end. Oh, and I love you! :)
Jessica,
This is Lori from the Marriott. Just seen your blog after reading Josh's latest. On your marriage concerns, I will put in my 2 cents.
I got married at an early age.(19)
I would not change it for anything because I like where life has taken me so far. However getting married so young made it so I could not do all the things I thought I wanted to do when I was young. Now that I am getting older I have been able to do some of the traveling that I have always wanted to do, so maybe I did take the right step getting married early on. Where would I be now if I had not taken that step? I am hitting my 20 year class reunion and I have looked at many of the blogs from those people and oh boy I am glad for the choices I made instead of some that others have made. One of these days you will meet that right guy and you need to take the chances that will present themselves to you. Otherwise life at 30+ and alone will be very very onely. Not very many single good guys left at 38. You are a very smart girl and sweet as can be. You have everything going for you. Don't be afraid to take the risks in life, they are worth it, I promise and they will make you even a better person later in life.
I know blah blah blah.
Come by and visit, we miss you.
Lori Hartley
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